Country SaYings

CATEGORY SAYING
Abandoned Left like last year’s newspapers
Bathroom stuff (a bout of diarrhea) Doin' the green apple two-step
Bathroom stuff (passing gas) Rocky mountain barking spiders
Bathroom stuff diarrhea: I could shit through a screen and not hit a wire.
Bathroom stuff my teeth are floating
Blind Her glasses are so thick when see looks at a map she can see people waving.
Blind blind as a bat
Busy Busier than a one armed paper hanger.
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy Tighter than last years swim suit
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy Tight as a ducks butt                
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy  He'd skin a flea for the hide and tallow.
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy He carries a flat rock in his pocket to fart on and save the grease.
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy tighter than a bull's ass in fly time (stingy)
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy Higher than a woodpeckers hole. (Expensive)
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy Higher than a buzzards nest. (Expensive)
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy Tighter than Dick's hatband.
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy Them custom bow's higher than a giraffe's ass
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy Tighter than a tick with lock jaw.
Cheap/Expensive/Stingy He's so stingy, he could squeeze the copper out of a penny.
Clever Slick as greezed owl s--t thru a tin horn
Clever slicker than greased owl shit
Clever Slicker than snot on a door knob.
Clever could talk a dog off a meat wagon
Clever slicker'n snot.
Clumsy He could fall down walkin’ from the house to the barn
Clumsy She would run into the ladder after you put it up in the shed
Clumsy He could cut himself with a picture of a razor
Confused I didn't know whether to shit or go blind so I closed one eye and farted
Confused Confused as a termite in a yo-yo
Confused Didn't know if he should scratch his watch or wind his ass
Confusing Clear as mud
Confused As confused as a baby in a topless bar
Country Boy, you are so 'country' I bet you ran and hid from the first car you ever saw.
Cute/Pretty Cuter than a basket full of specked puppies.
Cute/Pretty She's purtyer than a new set of snow tires.
CUTE     She's cuter'n a bug's ear
Dark Darker than the inside of a cow!
Dead He's deader'n a door nail.
Disgusting enough to gag a maggot off a gut wagon
Dishonest You need to count your fingers after shaking hands with him
Dishonest He is so crooked when he dies they will have to screw him in the ground.
Dishonest Dang lawyer's crookeder than a dog's hind leg.
Dishonest Crooked as a snake crawling up a hog wire fence.
Dumb-see "stupid"  
Drunk Drunkern' seven dollars
Drunk Drunker than Cooter Brown's goat
Early riser "he gets up with the chickens."
Easy As easy as sliding off a greasy log backward.
Fishing You couldn't catch a cold if it had handles.
Fishing Look at the big fish I caught..."That size don't get no bigger."
Food/Hungry So hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider...
Food/Hungry It's like a singed cat, tastes better than it looks.
Food/Hungry So hungry that I could eat the south end of a north bound skunk.
Food/Hungry My belly's so tight a tick would slide off (after overeating)
Food/Hungry After eating something real spicy my grandpa used to say: "I had to shit in the creek to keep from setting the woods on fire"
Food/Hungry Her cookin' would gag a maggot.
Food/Hungry So hungry I could eat a cat turd fried in snot.
Food/Hungry Tastes so good it'll make your tapeworm stand up and bark
Food/Hungry Hungry 'nuff to eat a bowl of lard with a hair in it.
Food/Hungry Tastes so good it'll make you fight your grandma.
Food/Hungry That's so good it would make a puppy pull a freight train.
Food/Hungry Big eater: he's got both feet in the trough
Food/Hungry Tasted like shit good thing I did not step in it.
Food "That meat was blacker 'n the inside of your hat. I like it so's if you gave it a shot of penicillin, it'd get up and run"
Funny funnier than a wagon load of monkeys
Funny Funnier than a one legged cat tryin to bury a turd in a frozen pond
Frustrating/hard to do "like trying to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope"
Frustrating/hard to do "like trying to herd cats"
Happy/Sad Happy as a Gopher in soft dirt
Happy/Sad Happier than a puppy with two peters
Happy/Sad He's so upbeat if he fell in a pile of horse shit he'd start lookin' for a pony...
Hunting "They couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle!"
Hunting That gal could "shoot  the eyebrows off a gnat"
Hunting Always save the last round to shoot the guide with
Hunting When a shot at a deer was missed.. better get some meat, boy, unless you have a recipe for track soup.
Hunting My arrows are grouping in a yard and a half, my yard and half the neighbor's
Hunting When coming back from an unsuccessful fishing/hunting trip: What did you get? Back
Impatient/Hurry up I don't want to hear about the labor pains-- just show me the baby!
Impatient/Hurry up I just asked you what time it was, not how a watch works...
Insults Lowern' a snake's belly in a wagon rut
Insults Don't ever bring a Yankee home with ya from hunting, they's too hard to clean.
Insults Boy your family tree has no branches.
Insults "I would 't speak to him if I met him in hell carrying a lump of ice in his hand.''
Insults He's from Kerville, where the men are men and the goats are scared....
Insults You couldn't whup half my ass if the other side was helpin' ya
Insults You couldn't hit sand if you fell off a camel
Insults Go crawl up a hogs ass and have a ham sandwich.
Insults You look like you been drawn through a knot-hole backwards.
Insults Boy, I thought I could teach a red-assed ape to shoot a rifle but y'all are climbin' on down from a whole nuther tree
Insults He wouldn't be happy as a taster in a pie factory.
Insults If you're gonna be a turd go lay in the yard.
Insults Ass is so tight you could not drive an 8 penny nail in it with a 10 pound sledge hammer.
Kids I like kids, but I couldn't eat a whole one.
Kids In regards to getting work done: "A boy is a boy, two boys is half a boy, and three boys is no boy at all!!"
Kids Said to an argumentative child: If "ifs and buts" were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas every day of the year.
Lost "Like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat"
Loudmouth Sucker learned to whisper in a sawmill
Mad Madder than a wet hen.
Mad Don't that make ya just wanna spit in da creek
Mad Katie bar the door.
Mad Now ain't that enough to piss off the pope?
Mad I'm gonna stomp a mud hole in your ass and walk it dry
Mad I'm mad enough to eat barbed wire and spit nails
Mad Full of piss and vinegar
Mad Madder'n a wet hen.
Mad If you were on fire I wouldn't piss on you to put out
Mean Mean enough to eat her own young'uns.
Mean "meaner than a striped snake"
Miscellaneous "Feel like the groundfloor tenant in a 2 story outhouse"
Miscellaneous I cain't sing and its too wet to plow.
Miscellaneous It ain't no fun when the rabbits got the gun!
Miscellaneous He turned up missin'
Miscellaneous He wuz a shakin like a dog passin razorblades
Miscellaneous If that ain't right then grits ain't groceries.
Miscellaneous I'd do it in a New York minute.
Miscellaneous She's got more cousins than Carter's got liver pills.
Miscellaneous They're eatin' high off the hog.
Miscellaneous We were livin' in high cotton.
Miscellaneous Beaten with a 10# bag o' quarters.
Miscellaneous "No one goes there any more- it's too crowded"
Miscellaneous Shining like a diamond in a goats ass.
Miscellaneous Finer than a frog hair.
Miscellaneous Built like a brick shithouse.
Miscellaneous And you can bury that advice in a Mason jar.
Miscellaneous Bound up like a boiled owl. (constipation).
Miscellaneous Fell down cup over kettle.
Miscellaneous More than one way to skin a cat.
Miscellaneous Did the two-twenty shuffle (refers to getting an electric shock)
Miscellaneous Might as well, can't dance, and it's too windy to stack BBs.
Miscellaneous That ain't no hill for a climber.
Miscellaneous Rode hard and put away wet.
Miscellaneous Shakin' like a hound dog shitting peach seeds
Miscellaneous He had a look on his face like a rat eatin crap off a wire brush.
Miscellaneous I'd rather be beat with a sack of wet catfish than ....
Miscellaneous They're ridin' me harder than a rented mule
Miscellaneous Well, it's better'n a poke in the eye with a sharp stick
Miscellaneous If you can't hunt with the big dogs stay on the porch!
Miscellaneous Don't worry about the mule son, just load the wagon. (said to someone complaining)
Miscellaneous That went over like a turd in a punch bowl.
Miscellaneous Wandering around like a loose mule in the corn patch.
Miscellaneous So hard a cat can't scratch it.
Miscellaneous "2 sticks 'o wood don't make a fire."  I believe your boys gonna marry that  girl. I saw 'em slippin' round back o' da church yestidy. Well paw ...."
Miscellaneous Great day in the morning
Miscellaneous The sun don't shine on the same dogs butt all the time
Miscellaneous Cross between a donkey and a Vidalia Onion: Ass so sweet it'd make your eyes water.
Miscellaneous tougher than a pine knot
Miscellaneous It's as broad as it is long
Miscellaneous My mom's responses to me asking what's for dinner: Shit on a shingle, or Elephant's ears on toast
Miscellaneous "That little horse'll throw you so high the black- birds will build nests in your hair before you come down.''
Miscellaneous "Cain't get theyah from heeyah
Miscellaneous I can remember squirrel hunting with my dad and asking him how many he got and he would say "soon as I shoot this one and two more I'll have three"
Miscellaneous If you ain't the lead dog the scenery never changes.
Miscellaneous I ain't had this much fun since the hogs ate junior...
Miscellaneous When you've got a hammer, everything's a nail.
Miscellaneous Osage, harder than a woodpeckers lips.
Miscellaneous Now that'll throw yer hat in the creek (discovery)
Miscellaneous A man that straddles the fence, gets a sore crotch
Miscellaneous If worms had guns, birds wouldn't pick on 'em"
Miscellaneous Tell the truth. "Let the hair go with the hide."
Miscellaneous "Tall hog at the trough"
Miscellaneous Get away from that wheelbarrow boy! You know you don't know nothin' about machinery!
Miscellaneous He wuz smilin' like a rat eatin onions
Miscellaneous If you can't build it you don't need it
Miscellaneous Mosquitoes big enough to stand flat footed and screw a turkey.
Miscellaneous You stick out like a buzzard on a tomato stake
Miscellaneous smooth as a baby's behind
Miscellaneous Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Miscellaneous Don't squat with yer spurs on.
Miscellaneous Sucker Bit!!!
Miscellaneous "I wouldn't get in that car without a tetanus shot first." (rustbucket)
Mistakes Ain't my first time cooking chicken at a fish fry
Mistakes Dropped your candy in the sand that time.
Nervous Nervous as a long tailed cat in room full of rockers.
Nervous Nervous as a tick on dip day.
Nervous Nervous as a poodle crappin peach pits
Nervous "wound up tighter'n a 20-ball tomcat."
Nervous As anxious as a one-eyed cat watch'n two rat holes.
Nervous/uptight So tight you stick a chunk o coal up his/her ass it would come out a diamond.
Nervous More nervous than a whore in Church
No good He ain't no count anyhow.
No good She's as sorry as a two dollar watch.
Of course/of course not Does a bear shit in the woods?
Of course/of course not Does a snake have hips?
Of course/of course not  that's a lead pipe cinch (a sure thing)
Of course/of course not Does a Chicken have lips?
Poor/Rich I'm so poor if it took a nickel to get around the world I couldn't get out of sight
Poor/Rich We grew up so poor we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
Quiet Dead as 4 o'clock
Ran Took off like Moody's goose
Ran Ran like a scalded dog
Ran Rrunnin' like their feet was on fire and their asses was catchin'.
Sick "I'd have to get better just to die."
Size He's so thin he has to stand twice in the same place just to make a good shadow
Size She's so skinny, if she turned sideways holding a glass of tomato juice, she'd look like a thermometer
Size Said of a large potato "Doesn't take too many of those to make a dozen"
SIZE      He's so skinny, he's gotta run around in the shower to get wet.
SIZE     He's shorter'n a mouse hole
SIZE  He's so skinny, if he turned sideways the stuck out his tongue, he'd look like a zipper
Size That size don't come no bigger (said of a large fish.)
Size So short he'd play handball off the curb.
Size Thin: Seen more meat on a hockey stick
Size So short he could sit on the floor and dangle his feet.
Size Knee high to a gnat.
Size Wider'n a double wide
Size If you told her to haul butt, she would have to make two trips.
Size Bigger 'n Dallas
Size She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Size He's so short he has to stand on a box to kick a duck in the ass
Size She gets her dresses at Duluth tent and awning
Size When that gal walks, her hips look like two bobcats in a sack.
Size That boy is so skinny, he can stand under a clothes line in a rainstorm and never get wet!
Size She's so fat it takes two dogs to bark at her
Slow/Fast Slow as an iron toad.
Slow/fast I guess I'll have to drive a stake to see if you've moved. (Slow moving person)
Slow/Fast Slower than a mud slide in February.
Slow Slower than molasses in January!
So what's your point?  "if a cow had wheels, it would be a milk truck"
So what's your point? If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle.
So what's your point? If a bullfrog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped.
So what's your point? If a goat could lower his tail his ass wouldn't shine
Stubborn She's so stubborn she'd argue with a stop sign
Stupid/weird "Boy, we're a gonna call you Moon, cause you ain't bright 'nuff for a son."
Stupid/weird
The boy would have to get smarter... just to be stupid.
Stupid/weird He has an I.Q. 2 but, it takes an I.Q. of 3 to grunt.
Stupid/weird He's so stupid his parents should have hit him in the head with a hammer and raised a pig on the milk.
Stupid/weird Didn't have enough sense to pour piss out of a boot if the directions was written on the heel.
Stupid/weird He don't know shit from good peach butter.
Stupid/weird So dull he couldn't cut hot butter with a knife.
Stupid/weird Dumb as a post
Stupid/weird He's got brains God give a toilet plunger.
Stupid/weird Dumber than a box of hair.
Stupid/weird dumber than a sackful of hammers
Stupid/weird I smell hair burning. (Said to someone thinking too hard.)
Stupid/weird If you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough.
Stupid/weird That boy couldn't find his ass with both hands
Stupid/weird "smart as bait"
Stupid/weird Sharp as the leading edge of a basketball
Stupid/weird Couldn't find his butt with both hands and a flashlight
Stupid/weird That boy's about a half bubble off plumb
Stupid/weird Bubba ain't got both oars in the water.
Stupid/weird He's about one brick short of a load.
Stupid/weird His elevator don't go all the way to the top.
Stupid/weird He ain't the brightest crayon in the box.
Stupid/weird Dumber than a box of rocks.
Stupid/weird I mighta been born at night..... but not last night.
Stupid/weird He must went to school in one of 'em short busses...
Stupid/weird That boy could be thrown in a barrel full of boob's and come out sucking his thumb
Stupid/weird My momma may have raised some ugly kids but watn't none of 'em fools
Stupid/weird That boy is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice
Stupid/weird If brains was dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose
Stupid/weird One plug ain't firing
Stupid/weird He ain't exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree
Stupid/weird "He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer!"
Stupid/weird Couldn't scratch his ass if he had a tiger in both hands.
Stupid/weird Put his brains on the edge of a razorblade and it would look like a BB rolling down the highway.
Stupid/weird His daddy must have also been his granddaddy
Stupid/weird That boy could lift a ton but he couldn't spell it
Stupid/weird He's as bright as the sun at midnight.
Stupid/weird He's about as bright as a white bean up a black cat's ass
Stupid/weird not the sharpest tool in the shed
Stupid/weird even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while
Stupid/weird He is depriving some village of its Idiot.
Stupid/weird As bright as a burned out light bulb.
Stupid/weird that boy come from the shaller end of the gene pool
Stupid/weird He is one log shy of a load
Stupid/weird Dumb as a stump
Stupid/weird That boys cage is turning, but his squirrel is dead./ The wheel's still running, but the hampster's dead
Stupid/weird all of that boys dogs aint barking
Stupid/weird Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.
Stupid/weird Couple of cards short of a deck
Stupid/weird The rungs on his ladder don't go all the way to the top.
Sympathy "Son if you want sympathy look in the dictionary between Sh*t and syphillis".
Surprise Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"
Talkative You chatter more than a danged magpie.
Talkative More tongue than a mountie's boot.
Threats I'll kick yer ass so hard you'll hafta take yer shirt of to sh-t
Threats Beat ya like a red-headed step child
Threats "I'll be on you like a swarm of bees"
Threats Boy, you'd rather j*ck off a bobcat as mess with me.
Threats "I'll be on you like a hobo on a ham sandwich"
Threats From asshole to appetite - as in "If you don't quit chasin' my daughter I'm gonna cut you from ...
Threats "I'll slap you nekkid and hide your clothes."
Threats I'll kick your butt up around your ears.
Threats I'll hit you so hard your children will be born dizzy....
Threats "tear your butt up like a tater field just been plowed"
Threats I'll put a knot on yer head a calf could suck
Threats I'll hit you so hard you'll cough up bones.
Threats I'll slap you bald-headed
Threats If I can't whip your ass, there ain't a Cow in Texas
Threats Gonna open me up a can o' whoop ass
Tired "sleepier than a river coon"
Ugly
Ugly as a mud covered fence with a crow on each end.
Ugly She was so ugly her mom wouldn't let her play in the sandbox. The cat kept covering her up."
Ugly He's got a face that could split kindlin'.
Ugly Ugly as home made soap
Ugly "A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp"
UGLY     three bagger, one for you, one for her, and one for the dog so he'll respect you in the morning
Ugly “so ugly she could cook naked at deer camp and nobody would notice”
Ugly Uglier than a homemade baby
Ugly He's so ugly, he's gotta sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.
Ugly She wasn't beat with the ugly stick, she got the whole tree!
Ugly Rougher'n a peanut pattie with the goober side up
Ugly Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits
Ugly Fell out the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Ugly Two-bag ugly:  "So ugly that you gotta wear a bag over your head, in case the bag over her head falls off."
Ugly Took a run through the ugly forest and got slapped with every branch.
Ugly She could eat a corn cob through a picket fence. (buck toothed)
Ugly Uglier than a bank carp
Ugly Hair so greasy, looks like she combed it with a carp
Ugly So buck toothed he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a keyhole.
Ugly She'd scare a dog off a meat wagon.
Ugly Uglier than a train wreck
Ugly Uglier than a mud fence/uglier than 1000 toads on a mud fence
Ugly She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road
Ugly She would be be pretty good looking if she weren't so ugly.
Ugly Her face was as ugly as seven miles of muddy road.
Ugly "lizard-butt ugly"
Ugly He's so ugly. When he was a baby, his mom carried him upside down for a year thinking he only had one eye.
Ugly if my dog had yer face, I'd shave his ass an' teach 'im to walk backwards.
Ugly When he was little, he was so ugly his Mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him.
Ugly Smile looked like a cave fulla moose horns (regarding someone's teeth)
Ugly My ole lady's so ugly I take her everywhere I go this so I don't have to kiss her goodbye.
Ugly "Coyote Ugly" You wake up hung over with an ugly woman sleeping on your arm. She's so ugly you chew off your arm so you don't wake her up before you can sneak out.
Ugly "12 beer date" how many beers it took to make the above ugly woman pretty enough to go home with.
Ugly Your so ugly, when you were born the doctor took a look at you and slapped your mother.
Ugly Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly's to the bone!
Ugly She's ugly nuff to scare a haint up a thornbush!
Ugly Rougher than twenty mile of bad road.
Ugly (compliment to a redneck girl) Nice tooth!
Ugly That girl is so ugly, looks like her face caught on fire and someone put it out with an icepick!
Ugly She's so ugly, when she was a baby, her momma had to feed her with a slingshot.
Unacceptable/ain't gonna work That dog won't hunt.
Unacceptable/ ain't gonna work Fits like a saddl