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Useless Country Sayings-compiled from a Bowsite (www.bowsite.com) thread
CATEGORY_	SAYING_
Cheap/Expensive	Tight as a ducks butt
Cheap/Expensive	Higher than a woodpeckers hole.(Expensive)
Cheap/Expensive	Higher than a buzzards nest.(Expensive)
Cheap/Expensive	Tighter than Dick's hatband.
Cheap/Expensive	Them custom bow's higher than a giraffe's ass
Cheap/Expensive	Tighter than a tick with lock jaw.
Cheap/Expensive	He's so stingy, he could squeeze the copper out of a penny.
Cold/Hot/Weather	Hotter'n a peach orchard boar.
Cold/Hot/Weather	Colder than a well diggers ass.
Cold/Hot/Weather	Hotter than 2 possums in a mailbox.
Cold/Hot/Weather	Hotter than 8 Indians in a covered wagon.
Cold/Hot/Weather	Hot as the devils oven.
Cold/Hot/Weather	It's so humid you could beat the water outta the air with a boat paddle
Cold/Hot/Weather	Hotter than a two dollar pistol
Cold/Hot/Weather	Cold enough to stick yer tongue to the pumphandle
Cold/Hot/Weather	"Colder than a mother-in-laws kiss!!!"
Cold/Hot/Weather	(raining on a sunny day) Devil's beating his wife behind the door
Country	Boy, you are so 'country' I bet you ran and hid from the first car you ever saw.
Cute/Pretty	Cuter than a basket full of specked puppies.
Cute/Pretty	She's purtyer than a new set of snow tires.
Dishonest	You need to count your fingers after shaking hands with him
Dishonest	He is so crooked when he dies they will have to screw him in the ground.
Dishonest	Dang lawyer's crookeder than a dog's hind leg.
Drunk	Drunkern' seven dollars
Drunk	Drunker than Cooter Brown's goat
Fishing	A fishing saying "You couldn't catch a cold if it had handles"
Fishing	You couldn't catch a cold if it had handles.
Food/Hungry	It's like a singed cat, tastes better than it looks.
Food/Hungry	So hungry that I could eat the south end of a north bound skunk.
Food/Hungry	My bellys so tight a tick would slide off (after overeating)
Food/Hungry	After eating something real spicy my grandpa used to say: "I had to shit in the creek to keep from setting the woods on fire"
Food/Hungry	her cook'n would gag a maggot.
Food/Hungry	Tastes so good it'll make your tapeworm stand up and bark
Food/Hungry	Hungry nuff to eat a bowl of lard with a hair in it.
Food/Hungry	Tastes so good it'll make you fight your grandma.
Food/Hungry	Thats so good it would make a puppy pull a freight train.
Food/Hungry	Big eater: he's got both feet in the trough
Food/Hungry	Tasted like shit good thing I did not step in it.
Happy/Sad	Happier than a puppy with two peters
Happy/Sad	He's so upbeat if he fell in a pile of horse shit he'd start lookin' for a pony...
Hunting	"They couldn't hit a bull in the Ass with a bass fiddle!"
Hunting	When a shot at a deer was missed.. better get some meat, boy, unless you have a recipe for track soup.
Hunting	My arrows are grouping in a yard and a half, my yard and half the neighbor's
Hunting	When coming back from an unsucessful fishing/hunting trip: What did you get? Back
Insults	Lowern' a snake's belly in a wagon rut
Insults	Don't ever bring a Yankee home with ya from hunting, theys too hard to clean.
Insults	Boy your family tree has no branches.
Insults	``I would 't speak to him if I met him in hell carrying a lump of ice in his hand.''
Insults	He's from Kerville, where the men are men and the goats are scared....
Insults	You couldn't whup half my ass if the other side was helpin' ya
Insults	You couln't hit sand if you fell off a camel
Insults	You look like you been drawn through a knot-hole backwards.
Insults	Boy, I thought I could teach a red-assed ape to shoot a rifle but you'all are clibmin' on down from a whole nuther tree
Insults	He wouldn't be happy as a taster in a pie factory.
Insults	If you're gonna be a turd go lay in the yard.
Insults	Ass is so tight you could not drive an 8 penny nail in it with a 10 pound sledge hammer.
Mad	Madder than a wet hen.
Mad	Katie bar the door.
Mad	Now ain't that enough to piss off the pope?
Mad	I'm gonna stomp a mud hole in your ass and walk it dry
Mad	I'm mad enough to eat barbed wire and spit nails
Mad	Full of piss and vinegar
Mad	Madder'n a wet hen.
Mad	If you were on fire I wouldn't piss on you to put out
Mean	Mean enough to eat her own young'uns.
Miscellaneous	It ain't no fun when the rabbits got the gun!
Miscellaneous	That dog won't hunt.
Miscellaneous	He turned up missin'
Miscellaneous	He wuz a shakin like a dog passin razorblades
Miscellaneous	If that ain't right then grits ain't groceries.
Miscellaneous	I'd do it in a New York minute.
Miscellaneous	She's got more cousins than Carter's got liver pills.
Miscellaneous	They're eatin high off the hog.
Miscellaneous	We were livin in high cotton.
Miscellaneous	That knife is so dull it wouldn't cut hot butter.
Miscellaneous	Beaten with a 10# bag o' quarters.
Miscellaneous	Crooked as a snake crawling up a hog wire fence.
Miscellaneous	"No one goes there any more- it's too crowded"
Miscellaneous	Shining like a diamond in a goats ass.
Miscellaneous	Finer than a frog hair.
Miscellaneous	Built like a brick shithouse.
Miscellaneous	And you can bury that advice in a Mason jar.
Miscellaneous	I like kids, but I couldn't eat a whole one.
Miscellaneous	Bound up like a boiled owl. (constipation).
Miscellaneous	Grab a root and growl.
Miscellaneous	slicker'n snot.
Miscellaneous	Fell down cup over kettle.
Miscellaneous	More than one way to skin a cat.
Miscellaneous	Did the two-twenty shuffle (refers to getting an electric shock)
Miscellaneous	Fits like a saddle on a sow
Miscellaneous	Dryer'n popcorn fart.
Miscellaneous	Might as well, can't dance, and it's too windy to stack BBs.
Miscellaneous	That ain't no hill for a climber.
Miscellaneous	Slicker than snot on a door knob.
Miscellaneous	Rode hard and put away wet.
Miscellaneous	Shakin' like a hound dog shitting peach seeds
Miscellaneous	He had a look on his face like a rat eatin crap off a wire brush.
Miscellaneous	Dead as 4 o'clock
Miscellaneous	I'd rather be beat with a sack of wet catfish than ....
Miscellaneous	Darker than the inside of a cow!
Miscellaneous	They're ridin me harder than a rented mule
Miscellaneous	If a goat could lower his tail his ass wouldn't shine
Miscellaneous	Well, it's better'n a poke in the eye with a sharp stick
Miscellaneous	rougher'n a peanut pattie with the goober side up
Miscellaneous	Busier than a one armed paper hanger.
Miscellaneous	If you can't hunt with the big dogs stay on the porch!
Miscellaneous	Don't worry about the mule son, just load the wagon. (said to someone complaining)
Miscellaneous	That went over like a turd in a punch bowl.
Miscellaneous	Wandering around like a loose mule in the corn patch.
Miscellaneous	So hard a cat can't scratch it.
Miscellaneous	2 sticks 'o wood don't make a fire I believe your boys gonna marry that  girl. I saw 'em slippin' round back o' da church yestidy. Well paw ...."
Miscellaneous	GREAT DAY IN THE MORNING
Miscellaneous	The sun don't shine on the same dogs butt all the time
Miscellaneous	If a bullfrog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped.
Miscellaneous	If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle.
Miscellaneous	Cross between a donkey and a Vidalia Onion: Ass so sweet it'd make your eyes water.
Miscellaneous	Loudmouth: Sucker learned to whisper in a sawmill
Miscellaneous	She's so stubborn she'd argue with a stop sign
Miscellaneous	tougher than a pine knot
Miscellaneous	It's as broad as it is long
Miscellaneous	My mom's responses to me asking what's for dinner: Shit on a shingle, or Elephant's ears on toast
Miscellaneous	(passing gas) Rocky mountain barking spiders
Miscellaneous	(a bout of diarrhea) Doin' the green apple two-step
Miscellaneous	diarrhea: I could shit through a screen and not hit a wire.
Miscellaneous	``That little horse'll throw you so high the black- birds will build nests in your hair before you come down.''
Miscellaneous	"Caint get theyah from heeyah
Miscellaneous	I can remember squirrel hunting with my dad and asking him how many he got and he would say "soon as I shoot this one and two more I'll have three"
Miscellaneous	If you ain't the lead dog the scenery never changes.
Miscellaneous	could talk a dog off a meat wagon
Miscellaneous	I ain't had this much fun since the hogs ate junior...
Miscellaneous	When you've got a hammer, everythings a nail.
Miscellaneous	In regards to getting work done: "A boy is a boy, two boys is half a boy, and three boys is no boy at all!!"
Miscellaneous	Osage, harder than a woodpeckers lips.
Miscellaneous	I been in the dog house so many times that when I meet another man I don't know whether to shake his hand or sniff his tail.
Miscellaneous	Now that'll throw yer hat in the creek (discovery)
Miscellaneous	A man that straddles the fence, gets a sore crotch
Miscellaneous	If worms had guns, birds wouldn't pick on 'em"
Miscellaneous	Tell the truth. "Let the hair go with the hide."
Miscellaneous	you chatter more than a danged maggpie.
Miscellaneous	Go crawl up a hogs ass and have a ham sandwich.
Miscellaneous	"Tall hog at the trough"
Miscellaneous	I don't want to hear about the labor pains-- just show me the baby
Miscellaneous	Her glasses are so thick when see looks at a map she can see people waving.
Miscellaneous	I didn't know whether to Shit or go blind so I closed one eye and farted
Miscellaneous	As confused as a baby in a topless bar
Miscellaneous	Get away from that wheelbarrow boy! You know you don't know nothin' about machinery!
Miscellaneous	Only difference between a woman and a vulture is that a vulture circles at least once before it chews your ass out!
Miscellaneous	Clear as mud
Miscellaneous	More tongue than a mounties boot.
Miscellaneous	He wuz smilin' like a rat eatin onions
Miscellaneous	Does a Chicken have lips
Miscellaneous	Does a snake have Hips
Miscellaneous	Does a Bear shit in the woods?
Miscellaneous	funnier than a wagon load of monkies
Miscellaneous	If you can't build it you don't need it
Miscellaneous	sure thing - that's a lead pipe cinch.
Miscellaneous	mosquitos big enough to stand flat footed and screw a turkey.
Miscellaneous	That'll go over like a fart in a spacesuit
Miscellaneous	You stick out like a buzzard on a tomato stake
Miscellaneous	smooth as a baby's behind
Miscellaneous	Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Miscellaneous	Don't squat with yer spurs on.
Miscellaneous	Sucker Bit!!!
Mistakes	Ain't my first time cooking chicken at a fish fry
Mistakes	Dropped your candy in the sand that time.
Nervous	Nervous as a long tailed cat in room full of rockers.
Nervous	Nervous as a tick on dip day.
Nervous	"wound up tighter'n a 20-ball tomcat."
Nervous	As anxious as a one-eyed cat watch'n two rat holes.
Nervous	More nervous than a whore in Church
Poor/Rich	I'm so poor if it took a nickle to get around the world I couldn't get out of sight
Poor/Rich	We grew up so poor we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
Size	Said of a large potato "Doesn't take too many of those to make a dozen"
Size	That size don't come no bigger (said of a large fish.)
Size	So short he'd play handball off the curb.
Size	So short he could sit on the floor and dangle his feet.
Size	Knee high to a gnat.
Size	Wider'n a double wide
Size	If you told her to haul butt, she would have to make two trips.
Size	Bigger 'n Dallas
Size	She's got more chins than a chinese phone book
Size	He's so short he has to stand on a box to kick a duck in the ass
Size	She gets her dresses at Duluth tent and awning
Size	When that gal walks, her hips look like two bobcats in a sack.
Size	That boy is so skinny, he can stand under a clothes line in a rainstorm and never get wet!
Size	She's so fat it takes two dogs to bark at her
Slow/Fast	Slow as an iron toad.
Slow/Fast	Slower than a mud slide in February.
Stupid/weird	Didn't have enough sense to pour piss out of a boot if the directions was written on the heel.
Stupid/weird	He don't know shit from good peach butter.
Stupid/weird	Dumb as a post
Stupid/weird	He's got brains God give a toilet plunger.
Stupid/weird	Dumber than a box of hair.
Stupid/weird	I smell hair burning. (Said to someone thinking too hard.)
Stupid/weird	If you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough.
Stupid/weird	That boy couldn't find his ass with both hands
Stupid/weird	Sharp as the leading edge of a basketball
Stupid/weird	Couldnt find his butt with both hands and a flashlite
Stupid/weird	That boy's about a half bubble off plumb
Stupid/weird	Bubba ain't got both oars in the water.
Stupid/weird	He's about one brick short of a load.
Stupid/weird	His elevator don't go all the way to the top.
Stupid/weird	He ain't the brightest crayon in the box.
Stupid/weird	Dumber than a box of rocks.
Stupid/weird	I mighta been born at night..... but not last night.
Stupid/weird	He must went to school in one of 'em short busses...
Stupid/weird	That boy could be thrown in a barrel full of boob's and come out sucking his thumb
Stupid/weird	My momma may have raised some ugly kids but watn't none of 'em fools
Stupid/weird	That boy is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice
Stupid/weird	If brains was dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose
Stupid/weird	One plug aint firing
Stupid/weird	He ain't exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree
Stupid/weird	"He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer!"
Stupid/weird	Couldn't scratch his ass if he had a tiger in both hands.
Stupid/weird	Put his brains on the edge of a razorblade and it would look like a BB rolling down the highway.
Stupid/weird	His daddy must have also been his grandaddy
Stupid/weird	that boy could lift a ton but he could't spell it
Stupid/weird	(Confused) Didn't know if he should scratch his watch or wind his ass
Stupid/weird	He's as bright as the sun at midnight.
Stupid/weird	He's about as bright as a white bean up a black cat's ass
Stupid/weird	not the sharpest tool in the shed
Stupid/weird	even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while
Stupid/weird	He is depriving some village of its Idiot.
Stupid/weird	As bright as a burned out light bulb.
Stupid/weird	that boy come frome the shaller end of the gene pool
Stupid/weird	He is one log shy of a load
Stupid/weird	Dumb as a stump
Stupid/weird	That boys cage is turning, but his squirrel is dead.
Stupid/weird	all of that boys doggs aint barking
Stupid/weird	Smart as a horse and hung like einstein.
Threats	Beat ya like a red-headed step child
Threats	From asshole to appetite - as in "If you don't quit chasin my daughter I'm gonna cut you from ..
Threats	"I'll slap you nekkid and hide your clothes."
Threats	IÆll kick your butt up around your ears.
Threats	I'll hit you so hard your children will be born dizzy....
Threats	I'll put a knot on yer head a calf could suck
Threats	I'll hit you so hard you'll cough up bones.
Threats	I'll slap you bald-headed
Threats	If I can't whip your Ass, there ain't a Cow in Texas
Threats	Gonna open me up a can o' whoop ass
Ugly	She wasn't beat with the ugly stick, she got the whole tree!
Ugly	Fell out the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Ugly	Took a run through the ugly forest and got slapped with every branch.
Ugly	She could eat a corn cob through a picket fence. (buck toothed)
Ugly	Uglier than a bank carp
Ugly	Hair so greasy, looks like she combed it with a carp
Ugly	So buck toothed he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a keyhole.
Ugly	She'd scare a dog off a meat wagon.
Ugly	Uglier than a train wreck
Ugly	Uglier than a mud fence
Ugly	She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road
Ugly	She would be be pretty good looking if she weren't so ugly.
Ugly	Her face was as ugly as seven miles of muddy road.
Ugly	He's so ugly. When he was a baby, his mom carried him upside down for a year thinking he only had one eye.
Ugly	if my dog had yer face, I'd shave his ass an' teach 'im to walk backwards.
Ugly	When he was little,he was so ugly his Mama had to tie a porkchop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him
Ugly	Smile looked like a cave fulla moose horns (regarding someones teeth)
Ugly	My ole ladys so ugly I take her everywhere I go this so I dont have to kiss her goodbye.
Ugly	You wake up hung over with an ugly woman sleeping on your arm. She's so ugly you chew off your arm so you don't wake her up before you can sneak out
Ugly	"12 beer date" how many beers it took to make the above ugly woman pretty enough to go home with.
Ugly	Your so ugly, when you were born the doctor took a look at you and slapped your mother.
Ugly	Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly's to the bone!
Ugly	She's ugly nuff to scare a haint up a thornbush!
Ugly	Rougher than twenty mile of bad road.
Ugly	(compliment to a redneck girl) Nice tooth!
Ugly	That girl is so ugly, looks like her face caught on fire and someone put it out with an icepick!
Useless	Useless is teats on a boar hog.
Useless	He's worthless as a fart in a hot skillet.
Useless	Useless as a one leg man at a butt kicking contest!
Useless	Practical as a screen door on a submarine.
Useless	'Bout as useless as a pocket in your underwear
Useless	couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery
Useless	Couldn't fall out of a boat and hit water.
Useless	Worthless as a one legged man in an ass kickin' contest
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